noticed on the way.....

I got warm fuzzies today.

I answered the phone and had the following conversation:

Me: Hello
Young Lady: Is Eric there?
Me: No, he's out with his friend Clint. Can I take a message?
YL: Is this his mom?
Me: Yes
YL: He loves you so much. We talk all the time and he's always saying, 'I love my mom.'"

Awwww.. how sweet is that? My kid not only loves me, but he tells his friends that he loves me.

Damn, I've got great kids.


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I went in for my chemo today and my PICC line refused to work. We haven't been able to draw from it for a couple of months now, but it always infused "slicker than snot" to quote one of my nurses. Today it wouldn't infuse either.

I've had it for over a year and that's a pretty long time for a catheter. My arm around the insertion point was a little red and puffy, so we pulled the line out. Turns out the sucker had been slipping out for a while. Only about half of it was actually in my vein. A PICC line should deposit the drugs into the big artery above your heart. When we measured how much of mine was actually in my vein, we decided it ended somewhere near my armpit. So... I wound up going home with antibiotics just in case it's infected. And I have a decision to make.

I now have to decide if I want to get a new PICC inserted, continue with chemo using a regular IV for each treatment, or discontinue my chemo/pheresis altogether.

I've been undergoing chemotherapy for about a year and a half now. Since I'm also on steroids and am diabetic, I tend to hold a lot of fluid. That makes me a pretty hard stick for a lot of the nurses. Have you ever tried to locate a vein in a bloated arm?

That bloating is the reason I opted for the PICC line in the first place. A catheter is inserted into the inner arm, above the elbow and threaded through a vein to the center of the chest. (I get to be awake through this procedure which is quite uncomfortable. Or maybe that's because the nurse that did mine was a rookie. She was quite impressed that I was her first PICC line ever.) This makes the patient "plug & play" so when going in for chemo, I simply get plugged into the IV and I'm good to go. They can also draw blood through the PICC so needle sticks become a thing of the past.

Stopping treatment altogether has it's own appeal. No more of the side effects from the chemo. No more trips to the hospital on a weekly (or sometimes daily) basis. No more spending days at a time stuck at home hoping I can force some food down. Of course, stopping treatment also has it's drawbacks. My muscles will continue to weaken and the pain will probably increase. My lungs will build up with protein nodules and I will require pulmonary lavage sooner than anticipated. I will probably come out of remission and return to active polymyositis and pulmonary alveolar proteinosis.

So... I have quite a bit to think about here. A difficult decision for me to make. Anyone have any thoughts?



And just for fun, I took this quiz. I had to do something to lighten things up here.





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This week's Tuesday Twosome:

Driving:

1. Rain or Snow? Rain

2. Music from the radio or compact disc? Depends on my mood and where I am.

3. Yellow light: "slow down" or "go faster" ? How far am I from the light?

4. Freeway or feeder road? Freeway. Unless it's backed up.

5. Road Rage: "what's that?" or "Heck yeah, and you better not get in my way!"
Well, not rage exactly, but I do talk at other drivers on the road. Especially when they do stupid things.



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Bureaucracy and red tape. Why does it fuck with me?

According to the Social Security Administration I became disabled August 1, 2002. Even though I stopped working in October 2001, I wasn't diagnosed until I was hospitalized in August, so that's the date the government has decided to use. Sometime around April I finally got approved for Medicaid along with my SSI. Between August and April I had some $3,178 out of pocket expenses for prescriptions. Since my coverage was retroactive to August 1, I requested reimbursement for my expenses. I was told, "We don't do that here."

What?

I was instructed to contact the service providers, in my case the drugstores and oxygen companies that filled my prescriptions, and have them submit their bills to Medicaid. If Medicaid paid them, it was then up to the provider to reimbuse me, but they had no legal obligation to do so. This is insane. In other states I would simply bring my receipts into my Medicaid caseworker and get a check. New Mexico apparently hates to part with money. I pointed out to my caseworker that the drugstore already had their money - they got it from me. They had no reason to bill Medicaid. I suggested that Medicaid actually owed the money to me. I reasoned that the drugstore would be unwilling to part with my money even if they did get paid again from Medicaid. And why would they do all that paperwork anyway? They're happy. I've already paid them. My caseworker simply said, "This is our policy. It's the way we do it here."

Fine, I contacted the pharmacies I had dealt with. These include a large chain pharmacy, the hospital pharmacy and two oxygen supply companies. None of these companies had ever heard of this "policy." They all said that the way to get reimbursed for my expenses was to contact my caseworker with my receipts and have a check cut to me. Hmmm.. hadn't I tried that already?

I went back to my caseworker. She got testy. I went to her supervisor, who told me that my caseworker had already explained what I needed to do and she was sorry if I was too stupid to follow simple instructions. I continued up the chain of command until I reached the regional director. I explained my situation to him and he agreed that it was ridiculous to expect the service providers to reimburse me. He promised to check into it. When he called me back a few days later, he informed me that "that's the way New Mexico does it." He has never come across another state that does.

I'm still trying to get the stores I deal with to submit their bills to Medicaid. One of the oxygen companies told me that Medicaid denied them payment. I'm still working with the others.

In June my Social Security Disbality Insurance kicked in. This jump in my income caused me to lose my Medicaid benefits. I reapplied for Medicaid and was informed by my caseworker that she had anticipated my need and had already processed my application. I was "all set" and could go on vacation in July with no worries. She told me that since my income exceeded the limits set for regular Medicaid (by $40), I would be covered under the Disabled & Elderly waiver program. This would also allow me to have in-home help with housework, cooking and the like. I met with the people from the home-health agency, filled out some paperwork, had my doctor fill out some forms and dropped everything off in person.

Then I went on vacation.

Three weeks, a new transmission and several thousand dollars later, we arrive home.

I find a letter in the mail from Human Services saying that my application for Medicaid has been denied because I withdrew my request for support! You have to be kidding me!

I called my caseworker, who blamed the home health agency. I called the home health agency and was told to file an appeal. So, I filled out the form on the back of the denial notice and requested an appeal. This was no later than the first week of August. I was scheduled for a hearing in the middle of October. The hearing was to take place on a telephone conference call. Since nobody had sent me any supporting paperwork, the hearing was postponed for one week.

I called into the fair hearing a week later, and discovered that the woman who was handling my account was no longer "with" the home health agency. Her supervisor was unfamiar with my case. Postponed another week.

I called in for the third hearing and the advocate suggested that since the fault was obviously not mine, perhaps the home health agency would like to make a settlement offer. Postponed another week to give them time to come up with an offer and contact me.

The fourth time I called in, I had decided this was enough. I had been more than patient with these people and if something wasn't settled this time I was going to get ugly. The settlement offer was that they would reopen my case and put me on priority status. This means I move to the top of the 2-year waiting list. Apparently if I hadn't "withdrawn" from the program I would have been covered. Since I "said I didn't want it" they gave my spot to someone else.

At this point I just wanted to get this settled as quickly as possible. My medical bills are past outrageous, and I needed coverage. Fine, I agreed to this as long as I didn't have the same people handling my case. I was assured there would be no more problems.

That was in November.

I resubmitted all my paperwork. New applications, bank statements, proof of income, utility & rent costs, notes from the doctor, DNR notice, everything! I hand delivered it all so I know it got there. I followed up with an email to my caseworker to ensure that she had everything she needed. I kept her return email telling me she had all she required.

A month ago I got a phone call from the home health agency. I was told that I had been approved, but the company that manages everything had lost my paperwork. I was assured that the HHA had a receipt proving they had submitted it, and once I received my benefit card that everything would be retro to that date in February.

Wait a minute. February?

Shouldn't my coverage be retro to July? Or at least to the first week of August when I requested the hearing? "Oh, I don't know about that," says lady from HHA.

Yesterday, I called them again. I got a notice of denial because I "have not provided the information necessary to determine your eligibility." The home health agency blames the caseworker, the caseworker says she did everything she needed to do, it has to be the HHA. A second call to the HHA places the blame on Blue Cross/Blue Shield. There are no answers as to when I'll have proof of coverage. Apparently it's nobody's fault. Nobody is willing to leave their comfort zone and follow up on this, least of all the women who promised me there would be no more problems.

As for me? I'm just ready to scream.

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Okay. Everyone has one, so here's mine.

100 Things About Me

I...

1. am a Scorpio
   
2. am married to my third husband
   
3. have three great kids
   
4. am still friends with my ex-husbands
   
5. am an ordained minister
   
6. am a pagan
   
7. have my desk in the middle of the house so I don't miss anything
   
8. am a dog person (I have two)
   
9. buy way too much stuff from The Pyramid Collection
   
10. also buy tons of stuff from Overstock.com - but it's such a great deal!
    
11. turned off my cell phone (Oh my! How unAmerican!)
    
12. rent all the new releases every week - no matter how bad they are
    
13. am addicted to pogo games
    
14. was born on Long Island, NY
    
15. grew up in a small town in upstate NY
    
16. am a compulsive reader
    
17. used to own a porn site
    
18. read runes
    
19. have a small collection of gargoyles
    
20. think Eddie Izzard is hysterically funny
    
21. used to collect ducks
    
22. have four rare diseases
    
23. am diabetic
    
24. can ignore a ringing phone
    
25. have driven nearly across country 5 times
    
26. have never flown in an airplane
    
27. want to live in the country but still have the convenience of being in town
    
28. love breakfast burritos from Golden Pride
    
29. think that people who ruin a good steak by cooking it well done should be shot
    
30. was once interviewed by PCWorld magazine (I even got a picture)
    
31. never miss "Monster" night on Discovery (Monster House, Monster Garage, American Chopper)
    
32. watch both CSI and CSI:Miami
    
33. would love someone to prove that people are really not as stupid as they appear
    
34. drove an ice cream truck one summer
    
35. was past 30 before I entered a WalMart
    
36. am liberal
    
37. have an open mind
    
38. want to believe that people are generally honest
    
39. am still waiting for evidence to support that
    
40. have never lived alone
    
41. was an extra in Jaws
    
42. crochet, badly
    
43. bank online
    
44. think it would be great to have a motor home and just wander around
    
45. haven't used salt in 25 years
    
46. hate most Mexican and New Mexican food
    
47. really miss diners
    
48. don't consider Denny's a diner
    
49. was online before there was an internet
    
50. remember when CompuServe was owned by H&R Block instead of AOL
    
51. remember when your CompuServe ID was numerical (ie: 1275864,925)
    
52. still have a 1200 baud modem in a closet
    
53. learned American Sign Language years ago
    
54. have forgotten almost all of the ASL I used to know
    
55. am happy the Air Force wouldn't take my son (is that wrong of me?)
    
56. rarely cook
    
57. make terrific cookies
    
58. still remember my ex-husband's SSN - 14 years after we split up
    
59. believe you can change yourself by changing your behavior
    
60. get very annoyed when non-handicapped people park in handicapped spots
    
61. love to drive fast
    
62. drink way too much decaffeinated diet soda
    
63. always order either a Margarita or "a shot of Jack w/a Coke back"
    
64. am a creature of habit
    
65. had a yellow VW Fastback as my first car - it's name was Benny the Bouncer
    
66. keep a stool in the shower so I can sit down
    
67. sometimes forget I'm handicapped, only to be quickly reminded
    
68. gave my doctor shit for asking, "Have you ever fainted unexpectedly?" Is there another way?
    
69. am addicted to chocolate
    
70. quit smoking in August 2002
    
71. stopped biting my nails in July 2003
    
72. think Fuddrucker's makes a damn good burger
    
73. remember when adventure games were text only
    
74. loved playing Infocom games
    
75. hate talking on the phone
    
76. don't celebrate Christmas, Easter or any other christian holiday
    
77. do celebrate Yule, Samhain, Summer Solstice and Beltane
    
78. Beltane is probably my favorite holiday
    
79. think clothes are overrated
    
80. get cranky when I'm cold, tired or hungry
    
81. am trying to convince my husband to move
    
82. sing along with the radio
    
83. like to have the last word
    
84. hate losing an argument
    
85. like my turkey sandwiches with mayo and cranberry sauce
    
86. went to summer camp on Martha's Vineyard
    
87. don't miss working
    
88. do miss the money I used to make
    
89. can't wait to be a grandmother
    
90. have decided that my granchildren should call me goddess
    
91. broke my arm by tripping over a puppy
    
92. have a metal plate and nine screws in that arm
    
93. watch Queer as Folk and Six Feet Under religously
    
94. hate it when people refuse to look at the facts before forming (or sticking to) an opinion or belief
    
95. started getting gray hair at 18
    
96. am afraid of the dark
    
97. enjoy Monty Python
    
98. am the youngest of three children
    
99. went through a divorce about the same time my parents did
    
100. once got a hotel room for a homeless guy and his dog so they wouldn't have to stay outdoors in the rain
     

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Gerry wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. He wasn't good looking, he didn't have a great sense of humor. Truth be told, he was quite an asshole.

He was my best friend for almost 30 years.

I met Gerry when I was about 10 years old. He was older than me by a couple of years. He came from one of those families where the kids grew up and moved in next door to their parents. He had about 300 cousins in our town. His father worked for Freihoffer's bakery. They were into stock-car racing. (He had an uncle and several cousins that raced.) Every weekend he would race his RC car at a track his cousin had built in his backyard. He was, to put it simply, poor white trash.

And he loved me. I could turn to Ger anytime I needed anything. If I needed to cry, his shoulder was there. If I needed a laugh, he was there with a joke. If I needed confidence, he was the first one to tell me I could do it. If I was being an asshole, he was the first one to tell me. If I told Gerry I needed his right testicle, he would hand it over before asking why.

We went through periods where we were inseparable, and through periods where we didn't see each other for months, but I knew that whenever I called him, he would be there.

My mother hated him from the start. She didn't think he was good enough for me. Nobody understands that we never dated. I love Gerry for always being there for me. For accepting me no matter what stupid thing I did. For loving me through three kids, two divorces, a rape, a psychiatric commitment, a suicide attempt, and on and on. He was my rock. My best friend. My confidant. But boyfriend material? Not for me, thanks.

In the end I lost him. We lived together for a while. I was working 4-12 and needed someone to watch my kids. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and needed a place to stay. It seemed like a good idea. He moved into my little house, and for the first couple of years things were great. He watched the kids, worked around the house, painted, put in the pool, kept my car in working order. I went to work and paid the bills.

Anyway, he decided that he was in love with me. I didn't return his feelings with the passion he required. He became jealous and controlling. I told him he was being a jerk. That I loved him the way I had always loved him, but wasn't about to marry him. He became frustrated and angry. He started unplugging the phone when I was talking to other men. He would block the door to keep me in when I had a date. He became a bit psycho.

I finally left. I packed up what would fit in the car. Gave away what I could and told him if he paid off the house he could have it. There was only a year left on the mortgage at that point. (It was a very cheap, very small house.) I cleaned out my bank account, loaded the kids in the car and took off.

We ended up here in NM.

I still miss Gerry.



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I found an interesting site today. I was wandering around Backwash checking out some of the links people had submitted and came across the AnySoldier website. It's a great site and I encourage everyone to give what they can. Donate money, put together a care package, if you're broke - just send a letter. Let those kids know that you support them and the sacrifices they make. Let them know you appreciate the fact that they're willing to travel half-way around the world to fight for your rights. Even if you don't agree with the war, you can still support the men and women that got sent to fight it.

From the site: "AnySoldier.US is the direct way for you to show your support for soldiers. AnySoldier.US is about sending support, not just stuff, and you send it. We provide suggestions on what to send, how to send, and volunteer soldier contacts who will put your letters and packages in the hands of soldiers who don't get much mail."

Please take a look at this site, specifically the What to Send and Where to Send areas. I think you'll be suprised at some of the things our soldiers long for. They want Beanie Babies to give to local children, breakfast food, canned meats (like tuna or chicken), granola bars, powdered drink mix (like Kool-Aid or Gatorade), nuts, anti-bacterial wipes or the waterless gel stuff, flip-flops, eye-drops, shampoo, toothpaste, batteries, phone cards, pens & pencils. The list goes on and on. They're even asking for protective gear! (Shouldn't the military be providing some of this stuff?)

Just remember, "This is about SUPPORT, not just STUFF! A LETTER, from you, your children, the kids at church or school, is THE BEST THING to send. A show of personal support is far better than spending a bunch of money that you don't have."

As is so often true of great ideas, this whole thing started because of one man. Sergeant Brian Horn from LaPlata, Maryland, an Army Infantry Soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade in the Kirkuk area of Iraq. He wanted to help care for his soldiers. He agreed to distribute packages that came to him with "Attn: Any Soldier" in his address to the soldiers who are not getting mail. Brian is no longer in Iraq but AnySoldier.US will continue with your support. The AnySoldier site is maintained by Brian's father Marty, a retired Army MP.

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We all agree that Bush can't be returned to the White House. Well, except for some of those ultra-right-wing-conservative-christian types, but who pays attention to them anyway? Bush was actually here in Albuquerque this morning telling us how much better the economy is and assuring us that things are getting better. Apparently unemployment in New Mexico is down 0.3% from a year ago! Wow! 0.3%! Down to 5.7 from 6%. Now, I may be wrong about this, but don't these numbers come from the number of people collecting unemployment? So, if you're benefits run out you're no longer counted. Does that mean you're no longer unemployed? I didn't think so.

Anyway... I'm off on a tangent here. What I actually wanted to talk about is Mike. Mike the Headless Chicken is running for President. I'm betting that with enough publicity this chicken, that died in 1947 or so, would actually get more votes than Bush. In case you don't know who Mike is, let me give you a little background.

Mike the chicken was chosen for dinner one night. Knowing that his mother-in-law enjoyed the neck Lloyd Olsen, Mike's owner, positioned his axe to leave as much neck as possible. Lloyd brought the axe down and removed Mike's head from his body.

The chicken staggered around, shook it off, and refused to die.

So, click the picture to visit Mike's site and learn more about him. His story is there along with pictures, recipes, news about the festival, Mike's store and even his song!

And Vote for Mike!


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I am a Scorpio.
(Also known as "Scorpion")
My Horroscope starts like this:
" Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying. " (Read more | Find yours)


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Take a look at this picture. It's a urinal. Do you find it offensive?

Apparently some people do. VirginAtlantic had planned on installing the Kisses Urinal in their JFK clubhouse. Well, not in the clubhouse, but in the male toilets there. Some people got so upset by this, NOW for example, that they backed down. You can read the story here.

I think it's ridiculous. I find the urinal amusing. It's kinda cute and I don't imagine that men fantasize about pissing in a woman's mouth when they use it. Unless of course, that's what they fantasize about every time they pee. Why not compromise? Put the Kisses in alternating with regular, boring urinals. Let the men decide where they want their urine to go. I think they would add a little whimsy, little fun to an otherwise pretty dull room.

I dunno. I guess I just don't get this whole "I'm a woman, so I'm offended by this" attitude. (I also don't have any problem with pornography. Guess I'm just weird.) I would love to put one of these in my husband's bathroom when we build a new house. And the hammock bathtub.. I love that too!


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I was stumbling around the web yesterday and I came across this site. Now, I believe in ghosts. I've even lived in a haunted house, but something about this just doesn't ring true for me. I'd love to know what you think.

As for my experience with ghosts, it was a house in Schenectady, NY that was haunted. It was the mid-80s and my then-husband and I lived with my son, who was no more than 3 or 4, in the downstairs flat of a two-family house. We had an old oriental rug in the living room. It was placed over the carpet in that room and covered with your normal living room furniture. A couch, a chair, a couple of tables, TV stand. Anyway, probably 6 days out of 10 when I got up in the morning the rug would be slid across the room and part-way up the wall. This meant I had to move the furniture out of the room, pull the rug back into place and put the furniture back. Annoying.

Our ghost was also fascinated with gadgets. He loved anything he could manipulate. Several times I would awaken in the middle of the night to find the VCR turning itself on and off, on and off, over and over again. Most mornings I would find the thermostat turned all the way up. The station on the stereo would be changed. My friends who were on speed-dial would complain of mysterious, silent calls.

My son would get up in the middle of the night to chat with his "friend." I would find him sitting up in bed having a conversation with someone who simply wasn't there. He swore up and down that there was a little boy who used to have his room and came by to visit. The dog wouldn't go anywhere near Eric's room. You couldn't drag him in there. Mesa also avoided the back door and the cellar.

We later found out that the family that used to live in our place consisted of a man, a woman and a little boy. The woman was separated, but still married. One day her husband came over intending to shoot his "cheating wife" and the man she was cheating with. In his rage or despair, he missed and instead shot and killed his son. Was this the little boy that my son was chatting with? Was this the trickster that loved to turn up my heat and use my phone? Who knows...


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I almost forgot! The Tuesday Twosome:

Quick and straight to the point:

1. "pop" or "soda"? soda

2. chocolate or vanilla? chocolate (of course!)

3. potato or rice? potato

4. coffee or tea? tea

5. cell phone or email? email

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what's your inner flower?

[c] sugardew

Right... this is so me.

I've never been what you would call a morning person. My friend Jenny used to spring out of bed in the morning chirping like a damn bird. That was the one thing I hated about visiting her. Well, that and the fact that she actually likes country music. Blech!

But still, I love her. We've been friends forever. Polar opposites. She's tiny. 5' 1/4" with a body I would've killed for. I'm 5'9" and well, curvy. She's bright and bouncy and full of energy first thing in the morning. I don't come to life until mid-afternoon. Even then, I'm not nearly as bouncy as Jen is.

I remember when Jen bought her first house. It was a "fixer-upper" that she purchased with her ex-husband Pat. Even pregnant she was stripping the hardwood floors, replacing wallpaper, painting, cleaning. She was a dynamo. Totally amazed me. I'm more of a supervisory person. I know what I want, most of the time, but I would just as soon have someone else do the actual work. In my old house I had a friend remove all my kitchen cabinet doors so I could repaint them. I spent four years with no doors on my cabinets. Lazy? Of course not! I was busy with work and kids and stuff. I simply didn't have the time for something so unimportant.

Jen's also big on gardening. Her front yard is loaded with flowers. All kinds, all colors. I have a black thumb. I can't keep a plastic plant alive. I once had an asparagus fern that was just beautiful. It flowered and got little seed pods every year. One day I looked at it and it was a tumbleweed. I don't know what happened.

Jen's got three kids and two grandsons. I also have three kids, but mine are too damn responsible to make me a grandmother! Sara wants to finish school and be settled in her career first. Eric suffers from nice guy syndrome and has trouble finding girls that actually want to be more than friends. Caleb, well, he's not quite 17 yet, so there's still time to wait for him. Hopefully someday I'll have a grandbaby to play with and then send home.

Oh, Puppy's home with movie rentals. It's time to go watch Gothika. Later!



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April is a busy month for my family. All three of my kids have birthdays. Sara will be 25, Eric will be 20 and Caleb, 17. They were all due on April first (Suprise! April Fools!) but fortunately, none of them came on time. Caleb was closest, he arrived on the third, Eric on the twelfth and Sara on the twentieth.

Apparently, I can only successfully mate once a year. Stop counting, July is my hot month. And I'm fertile. The doctor says I was built for making babies. I got pregnant with Eric the only time I ever slept with his father.

So, the children are all of an age where what they really want for their birthday is the one thing I don't have. Money. Cash. Moolah. Dinero. More is better. In the old days this wouldn't have been a problem, but now that I'm on disability, money is an issue all the time. Of course, if I ask them what they want, they'll tell me they don't want anything. They know I'm broke and they try to be sensitive about it. Sweet, huh?

So now I have to figure out what to get each of my kids. Something inexpensive that lets them know how much I love them. I suppose I could go the old cookies and love letters route. Does anyone have a more original idea?



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How old were you when you lost your virginity?

I was 13. This apparently makes me quite a slut among my peers. Most of them were 16, 17 or older. I can't say I intended to lose my purity at such an early age. It wasn't planned or anything. Here's what happened.

I was at the county fair. A group of us were there every day to show ponies and what have you. I had gone to get fried dough for everyone. On the way back I ran into one of the carnies. (You spend every day at the fair and eventually you get a little friendly with the help, ya know?) Anyway.. he asked me if I wanted to go get high with him and, of course, I said yes. So, we went over to his trailer and I tried to get comfortable. I was a bit shy, so I just waited for him to pull out a bong, or a bowl or even a joint. He pulled out a joint all right, but it wasn't the kind I was expecting.

Anyway.. he kissed me, and I enjoyed it. He placed my hand on his penis, and even this I'd done before, so I didn't object. Then, he tried to get my pants off. Now I objected. I tried to leave. He apologized and started to pack a bowl. I sat back down. (Hey, I was only 13, I was naive.)

Soon we were joined by one of his friends. We smoked a bowl together and the first guy, Donny, kissed me some more. Again he tried to get my pants off. Again, I resisted. His friend held me down. And so, in the trailer of a carnie, at the Saratoga County Fair, I lost my innocence. I was encouraged to yell and scream. I was told if anyone even heard me, they wouldn't care. I was told that my yelling would make it better for him. I didn't make a sound.

It was over soon enough. When I left the trailer all I could think was, "Is that it? Is that what all the fuss is about?" I was kind of relieved to have it over with. At least I no longer had to worry about taking "the big step." It was done, and it was nothing special.

After this I started dating a lot. Mostly boys from other schools, or guys older than me. By the time I was 15 I was dating a guy who was 22. At 16 I was engaged, at 17 pregnant and at 18 married with a child.

Anyway.. I've since learned to love sex. I'm open to try just about anything. I've taught my children that sex is a good thing. It's a healthy expression of feelings, a great outlet for stress and even when it's bad it can be pretty good. I've also taught them that sex with someone they share a mutual love with is special and even better. The emotional connection makes it more fulfilling. I hope they listened.

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Check out this link: Neighbor Search. It will allow you to find out what candidate your friends and neighbors are supporting. Just type in your address, hit search, and the political contributions of your neighbors will appear on your screen. You can also search by name if you want to find who a specific person supports.

Henry Kissinger has donated a total of $3,000 to Bush. My neighbors are mostly supporting Democrats, but suprisingly, there are still some that are giving their money to Bush. It's a little bit scary to find out the guy down the street gave Bush 2 grand.

I notice that most of the Bush contributions are for $2,000 while our Dem candidates are getting their money in comparative trickles.

Care to find out who Ben Affleck or Paul Newman are supporting? Put their names in and find out. Pretty cool site.



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Okay, so I'll admit I stole this from someone else. It's just too good not to share!

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...she takes my arm and with trembling voice, she asks, "Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

Now, normally I just politely decline the sermon and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if it's not Christians, it's the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace? So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic, I reply, "You people lost him, again??" The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted.

I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own. "What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car...surely one of the men can help. Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people. I mean Muslims never seem to lose their deity. Come to think of it, neither do Jews or Pagans of any kind." I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake. What was that about...deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breath, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies).

"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun," I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words.

"Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly, He was Jewish. So if you're really so eager to find him," I smile gently to soften the blow, "check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also, you folks should try and remember that this is America...where freedom of religion means ALL religions."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either.

I wrote this to you because I believe no one can have too much Deity. It is a blessing in disguise. You can keep it to yourself or pass it on. Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P,(or at least a milk carton!)-- so the Christians can stop looking for him.

Blessings in the name of the Gods and Goddesses to You and Yours.



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I did call Carlos yesterday and we had a nice chat. It was good to catch up with him, although his life hasn't changed much since the last time we spoke.

He's still looking for the perfect woman. Well, let me clarify that. He's looking for the perfect woman for him. This would be a woman who's willing to do anything in the bedroom (and I do mean anything) while still being the sweet innocent lady he can bring home to mama. Women like this are very hard to find.

We talked about his past girlfriends and the things they had in common. Is "white trash" a predilection? We talked about women he would like to date. We discussed sexual practices and perversions, fetishes and preferences. We hit upon pornography, bondage, fisting, Seymore Butts and getting paid to see naked people all day.

We discussed working vs. unemployment. ("A man has to work," says Carlos. I find this amusing because the man has been happily unemployed for 2 years.) He does have a job now, and I hope he's happy doing it. I suppose we'll find out soon enough.

We talked about moving, living arrangements, loneliness. Can you be alone without being lonely? Can you be lonely while in the midst of a group of people? The answer to both, of course, is yes. We talked about his ex-wife getting remarried and how he feels about her moving into the happiness of a new marriage while he's still alone.

We discussed how TV has become a wasteland of reality TV, makeover shows and gay shows.

I think we hit on every subject we possibly could. In the end, we both felt better. I love the boy, and I miss him.

I'm going to make a point of calling him more often.


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I was just reading JPDogma and his post for today is a bit scary.

Jay's an intelligent man. Today he was talking about Nostradamus and revelations. He was talking about the start of WW3. He was talking about George W. Bush. I think maybe I should pay more attention. I don't think I'm as frightened as I should be.

Here's a small sample from today's entry:

This scares the shit out of me. Remember Nostradamus, remember revelations. Think about this: what happens if one large country joins forces with Iraq. Two or three US servicemen are killed every day but they are moved to back page stories and TV news blips so as not to create associations between this war and Viet Nam in the American mass consciousness. That's over 1000 men and women a year. Add to this the fact that this war is losing us the support of our allies and, hark, I see the downfall of western civilization approaching. Know any Arabic? Maybe it'll be French. I welcome the change I look forward to eating hummus and pita and smoking hash at sundown on Ramadan. What about you?

Check out Jay's Blog here: JPDogma

Let me know your thoughts.

Everyone seems to be in serious mode today. I think we need to lighten things up a bit. I'll be back later, maybe I'll post some links for some fun.




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I'm half Irish, so I suppose I should be out somewhere drinking green beer and celebrating the removal of the snakes from Ireland. I'm not. I'm sitting here wondering how it is that I've lost track of some great friends.

As I mentioned earlier, I found some blogs from some former co-workers and through them actually got in touch with one of them. He suggested that I should call another friend with whom I've lost touch. He's absolutely right. I should. I'm stuck in a state of inertia and I need some kind of push to get me moving again.

I never used to be this way. I used to be quite outgoing and talkative. Lately all I want to do is sit around and get fat. It's really easy to get fat when you have a mobility impairment. I never thought I would say this but I really miss walking. I used to walk 5 or 6 miles a day and it really kept me in great shape. Now, I can't walk more than 8 or 10 yards without help. Anyway... I'm not going to be depressing today.

The dogs are doing tricks for cookies, and I'm going to call Carlos.


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I received this in an email today and it's just too good not to share.

I'm not certain the original sender recognized it as satire, but I found it amusing. Here goes:

12 Reasons why Gay marriage should not be allowed.


1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer lifespan.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.



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Just a short note tonight.

I was going through some of the blogs I read on a semi-regular basis so I could link to them from here. In the process I stumbled upon a blog by a former co-worker. This led to another and yet another.

I ended up spending hours reading and getting caught up with them. I've linked to them all over there on the right. Spend some time with these blogs. I'm quite sure you'll enjoy them.




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Well, the results are in. I have diabetes. As the doctor said, this is just one more thing to add to my list. The worst part is, the Prednisone that I take for my Polymyositis is what causes diabetes. Another of the lovely side-effects of steroids that nobody bothers to tell you about. I've been on Predinisone for about 18 months now.

The good news is that I won't need medication to treat it. My numbers are apparently good enough that we're going to start with diet. By now we all know what this means, no more of the comfort foods I love. No potatoes, no pasta, no rice, and worst of all... no chocolate! I get to say goodbye to my good friend the carbohydrate. I've done this before and loved the results, but it's a tough diet to stick to. Especially when you live with meat & potato eating men. Doc said Atkins is really too strict and I should go more for South Beach or Protein Power. Since I already have the Protein Power book, I'll probably be doing that. Now I just need some good low-carb cookbooks to get some ideas from. Woman does not live by steak, eggs and cheese alone!

I'm also going to continue to wean off the Prednisone. There's a chance that if/when I can get off it completely, the diabetes will resolve itself. I suppose that's encouraging news, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go without the steroids. The last time I tried reducing my dosage too quickly I ended up having a major flare-up of the Polymyositis. That was no fun at all. I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed. Richard finally got me to the hospital for a shot of steroids. You gotta just love the boost that a shot of Solu-Medrol will give ya!

Still waiting for Medicaid to kick in. Apparently I'm all approved and will even be getting a home worker to help with housework and stuff. However, the office has lost the paperwork so I'm still not in the system. Just have to love civil servants. I've been waiting since July for this to kick in. They cancelled me effective the last day of June, and when I got back from vacation in July I apealled the decision. I finally got a hearing date in October. Four hearings and one month later, they decided to just start over and resubmit my information. Now they tell me they're not going to cover me back to July when they first cancelled my coverage. I was actually told that they would only cover back 2 weeks from my new approval date. I believe at the very least they should cover back to when I requested a hearing. Looks like I'll have another fight on my hands.

::sigh:: I hope I have the strength to win this one.



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I started on Lexapro.

It's an anti-depressant.

It wasn't my decision. My husband and my doctor sort of ganged up on me. Apparently, depression is common among people with chronic illness, and I had a couple of bad days a few weeks ago. Doesn't everyone have a day when they just burst into tears for no apparent reason?

Well, I did. And my husband mentioned it to my doctor, and before I knew it the two of them were discussing me like I wasn't sitting right there.

The next thing you know, Lexapro.

For depression.

Hell, I didn't even know I was depressed. I thought I was just experiencing emotions. Y'all are familiar with emotions, right? Feelings. I thought they were good to have. Guess I was wrong on that one.

Now I just feel... well... sorta...

flat.

Not good, exactly. But not bad exactly either.

Just... flat.

I don't know what I was expecting. Doc told me my life wasn't gonna get better just because of this new wonder drug. In fact, his exact words, as I recall were, "You're life will still suck, but you won't care."

Is that really better?



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That's what she said to me. Sara is nearly 25 years old now. Her father and I divorced before she was 5. I've since been married twice more and had two more children. It took me a minute to understand just what she was saying.

Sara, like many of us, is surrounded by people damaged by divorce. Many of her friends come from divorced or never married parents. The difference is that many of these parents throw their kids into the middle of the fight.

I've never understood that. I know that emotions run high, especially when the divorce is ugly, but why would you want to hurt your child? I remember when Sara's dad & I divorced some 20 years ago... I was angry, hurt, bitter, all those great emotions you have when you find out your husband has been sleeping with your next door neighbor. I wanted to hurt him just as badly as he had hurt me... denying him access to our child would certainly have done the trick.

But, at what cost to my daughter? I adored my father when I was her age. I believe that every little girl has the right to adore her daddy. Let her think he's wonderful until she's old enough to see for herself who he truly is. I stopped thinking of him as "that lousy rotten scumbag bastard" and started to simply refer to him as "Sara's dad." Not only in my converstations with others, but in my own head.

My ex-husband was a jerk, but Sara's dad was loving and caring. My ex-husband was a liar and a cheat, but Sara's dad was her knight in shining armour, always ready to protect her.

He must have some good qualities, right? I mean, I wouldn't have married a total jerk, would I? By stepping back from my relationship with him, and looking at him through my child's eyes, I could see the potential in him. It's amazing what this different point of view can do.

This little brain trick helped me through another marriage and a child with a man I never married. Although my 3 kids all have different fathers, the fathers have all been fabulous. Never do my kids hear, "I'm taking my child, and you can't go." If Eric's going to Six Flags with his dad, you can bet Caleb is going too, and Sara was invited.

The same holds true for the women in their father's lives. Eric's dad lived with a woman for years. Abby is a bit nuts, but she loves my kids. Even after they broke up, the kids would still go spend weekends at Abby's house. Just because her relationship with Eric's dad didn't work out, doesn't mean she and the kids stopped loving each other. My daughter still have a good relationship with her father's ex.

Other people have expressed disbelief... I've even been told I'm crazy, that normal people don't behave this way. Well, it that's the case, then I'm quite happy to be abnormal.

As I told my daughter,

"I've always felt the more people that love you, the better off you are. You guys are very lucky to have so many people that love you."



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StumbleUpon Testimonials: "During every period in human history we discover a means to alter our mental states that is so powerfully addictive it destroys millions of lives: opium, absinthe, crack cocaine, Tetris and let's not forget that Solitaire game that comes with Windows. I must warn you that to read any further might place your sanity at such a risk. OK. You were warned. Here is a link to Stumbleupon. Your sorry little lives are officially over. � Damian Counsell"

That quote was taken from the StumbleUpon website.

It's an amazing new way to surf the web. You rate the sites you stumble upon, and see sites rated a "thumbs up" by your friends and people with the same interests. You can add your favorite sites to the database simply by rating any site you visit. Add your own webpage, add that quirky page you found, add the one you located through google. Just click "I like it!" and boom! It's in the database ready to be shared with others.

Very, very cool. I'm off to stumble now.




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Of everything.. of being sick.. of life.. of putting up with stupid people...

Sometimes I don't think that I'll ever recover from these illnesses. I mean, I know there's no cure for what I have. That's been clear from the start, so I guess I don't quite understand why they keep trying to improve things. The doctors seem quite upset that my body is so resistant to treatment. I figure if I'm not getting any worse, then I'm ahead of the game. I don't know.. maybe I just don't understand what they're trying to do.

I've started back on Lexapro for depression. I guess Richard got tired of me breaking down in tears for no reason at all. I was pretty sick of it myself. "What's wrong, honey?" asks my husband. "Nothing " I reply.

The worst part is, I would have absolutely no idea why I was crying. I just couldn't stop.

As my doctor said, Lexapro won't make things better, really. "You're life will still suck, but you won't care." were his exact words on the subject. Is not caring really better? Is it better to be too emotional or to have no emotions at all? The problem with most anti-depressants is that they leave you feeling flat. You don't have the lows anymore, but you don't get the joys either. I'm not so certain I want to relinquish those rare moments of happiness. I think happiness comes in moments to most people, not just me. We have to grab a hold of those moments and treasure them. You never really know when you're going to get another one.

Oh well.. I'm done whining for now. I think I'll go take a little nap and see if I can make this headache go away.

# posted by Beth : 5:29 PM

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That's the only reason I can come up with. I'm sure they don't mean to sabotage my diet.

I went on the whole low carb/high protein thing on the advice of my doctor. He's been eating this way for years, as have most of the nurses down at ACOP. He told me my blood work shows that I'm carbohydrate intolerant and that I should just cut them out. I did it. It was really hard for the first few weeks. I love pasta, potatoes, chocolate, sugar, all the stuff that's loaded with carbs, but I did it. I ate lots of meat, cheese, eggs, drank tons of water. In the first 12 weeks I lost 45 pounds!

45 pounds! With zero exercise! Now if I can do that, I know it's possible for anyone.

Then, I made a trip back east. My brother got married and my husband & I drove back to NY to attend. Mom met us at our hotel with a
Boston Cream Pie and a bag of M&Ms.

I tried to be strong. Really, I did. Mom said, "You have to eat it Princess.. it's a gift from your mother." I looked at the pie.. the pie won. After all, you can't keep Boston Cream Pie in a hotel room. It requires refrigeration. It was either eat it, or throw it away. I had no choice!

It was the beginning of the end. Mom now sends monthly care packages out to me. Until she actually got a look at me, it didn't really hit her how sick I am. Now that she's seen me trying to move around, struggling to stand up, gasping for breath, she loves me the only way she knows how. With cookies, candy, and cupcakes.

My mother really believes that a balanced meal consists of waffles and ice cream. That was a regular Friday night supper when I was growing up. One holiday season, Mom was depressed because my daughter was with her father, instead of with us. Christmas dinner that year was french fries (homemade, of course) and chocolate pie.

My husband is really no better. If I say I'm craving something sweet, he runs to the store and comes back with a bag full of junk. Not just enough to satisfy a craving, but enough to last a normal person a week! He claims that he'd rather have a soft and happy wife, than a thin miserable one.

I just opened another box from mom.

• 22 oz bag conversation hearts
  
• 8 oz heart of hershey miniatures
  
• box of yankee doodles
  
• box of sunny doodles
  
• box of drake's coffee cakes
  
• corn chips & salsa
  

My husband piled it all on my desk. It's all within easy reach. I don't even have to get out of my chair to eat it.

Mom, Honey.. I love you. Please stop loving me so much!



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I pulled some stones and this is what I got. First thing in the morning... sort of a guide to my day, perhaps?

Gebo - Connection, Gift, Exchange, Interaction, Balance



Fehu - Prosperity, Mobile Wealth, Abundance, Fertility, Creativity



Raido - Circular Flow, Rythm, Movement, Travel, Progression, Journey





I'm not going to get into my interpretation of this reading. I think you can get the idea from my posting the basic keywords for each stone I've pulled.



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